


Because

by Erestorandfin



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angry Warrior, F/M, Heavy Angst, Not Canon Compliant, but not the way we want, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29295957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erestorandfin/pseuds/Erestorandfin
Summary: She could tell him it all, tell him everything.But she doesn’t.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 24
Kudos: 36





	Because

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by 'crushcrushcrush' by Paramore.
> 
> As always, huge thanks to Mary S for her tireless input 🥰
> 
> Kathryn's thoughts are in italics

I got a lot to say to you  
Yeah, I got a lot to say  
I noticed your eyes are always glued to me  
Keeping them here  
And it makes no sense at all

They taped over your mouth  
Scribbled out the truth with their lies  
Your little spies  
They taped over your mouth  
Scribbled out the truth with their lies  
Your little spies

***

**Starfleet Headquarters, Alpha Quadrant - 2370**

“Katie, we’ve been over this before, you know what my answer is.”

“I need to captain that ship, Owen.”

“Even if I made sure it landed on the desk of one of the admirals who doesn’t know about your history with him, it's in his record, in both your records! They would never approve it.”

“You are mistaken.”

“I’m sorry?”

“It's not in our records. Check them.” The steely glint in her eyes told him exactly what he needed to know. And as much as he wanted to ask how she had done it, it was best for all concerned that he knew as little as possible. Even a suspicion of tampering with any Starfleet record was enough for her to face serious charges. 

“Even then, there are too many admirals who know exactly how outspoken you have been on the Maquis-Cardassian matter. No one who knows anything about you would give you this mission, it’s a serious conflict of interest. It’s not like you have held back, and you know what Starfleet’s official position is.” He couldn’t resist adding quietly, under his breath, “Even if it is wrong.”

“So, find someone who doesn’t know anything about me. Not every admiral spends their whole life lounging behind a desk at HQ.”

“Katie...”

“Owen, he’s out there, fighting the good fight, even if it's not the Starfleet way. And we both know the only reason the Maquis exist at all is because Starfleet doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to the Cardassians! He begged me to go with him, to fight for what was right. I believed staying here would do more good; that we needed people who knew what was really going on to stay on the inside, to change Starfleet for the better. I’ve put my faith in Starfleet, but no one will listen, nothing ever changes. The Cardassians say jump, and Starfleet trips over itself to comply, without even asking how high, or checking they are not conveniently located on the edge of a cliff. The Maquis are not our enemies, just a convenient distraction from the real atrocities going on unacknowledged. And I won’t just stand here and watch as they send some Captain desperate for a pat on the back after him, simply so Starfleet can try to smooth things over by handing him to the ‘justice’ of the Cardassians. ”

Sensing his wavering resolve, she stepped closer, lowering her voice to ensure there was no chance of being overheard.

“Please, Owen. We’ve both been there. We know what they’ll do to him. It's my fault, I made the wrong choice. I should have gone with him. Instead of soothing his anger, I only made it worse. Please, help me save him.” 

Shaking his head, he sighed and returned to his desk.

“I suppose it's probably time that Admiral Willox was finally brought up to speed on the Maquis situation. He’s spent most of the last ten years on Vulcan, doesn’t like to travel much anymore. Unfortunately, this does mean he always seems to be the last to know what's going on; if I send it to him, at least he can’t complain he’s been forgotten this time. But it’s a recommendation for duty, you know that. It’s his choice whether to approve it or not, and I can’t interfere with his decision.”

Her eyes blazed with relief and gratitude.

***

**Voyager, Delta Quadrant - 2371**

“Did you think you could just wave a rank and a uniform at me, and I’d simply forget everything? That we could just go back to the way things were? The Federation turned its back on the people they should have been protecting. And you just stood there, you let it happen. You understood more than any of them, you saw what was going on with your own eyes. But in the end, you were no different. Starfleet censored the truth, and everyone swallowed their lies without batting an eyelid.”

Despite knowing they would end up here, Kathryn can’t prevent the wave of nausea flooding her system, fighting not to remember every hateful word that had haunted her since their last fight. 

_‘How can you be siding with them, Kathryn? Were you ever really standing up for what’s right, or did Starfleet merely realise our relationship was the perfect opportunity to keep track of what’s going on, keep an eye on anyone who might speak out about how they turn a blind eye to what’s really happening? I just can’t believe you would go so far for them. I fell for you, completely, and I believed that you actually cared about the people Starfleet are willing to sacrifice just to make their lives a little bit easier.’_

Second only to her choice not to go with him, her inability to convince him he was mistaken, to make him see the truth, remained her next biggest failure, one she would never forgive herself for. It didn’t matter that they had been together for years before the Maquis even existed, and friends even longer, or that they had fought side by side to bring to light the many treaty violations committed by the Cardassians. She had never been one to avoid taking action when needed, so despite her insistence that they could be of more use here, he could only ever see her decision as a betrayal of her principles, that she was choosing Starfleet over all else.

If only she could have found the words to make him believe her. But his fury had been too fierce, an impermeable barrier to reason or logic, and her pleas were lost on him. Not even love could calm the fire that had been awoken inside him.

His words, on the other hand, had stayed with her, settling so deeply that she almost came to believe they were the truth instead of her reality as she had lived it.

Her mind is a maelstrom of memories and thoughts, the chaos of everything that had happened since the last time she saw him dragged out of her against her will, as she is faced once more with the impossible task of convincing him of her sincerity.

_I can’t do this again; I can’t go back to that place. I can’t._

Every single memory is as vivid as though she was still there. The anguished regret that she didn’t join the Maquis with him, that she put her trust in the integrity of Starfleet, despite the overwhelming evidence that they simply didn’t care about what was going on. All the nights she lay awake remembering how, at his lowest point, when he needed her the most, she hadn’t been there. So afraid that in his blind quest for vengeance, his unbridled anger would consume him completely. 

How, even after he left, she had never stood silent, had fought to ensure there was always a voice speaking for them, even if it was a lone one. She hadn’t ever done it for him but because she always believed it was right.

And how completely pointless it had been, because in the end, nothing had changed.

The bitterness she felt as she finally accepted Starfleet's betrayal, accepted that they would never change their position. Her efforts were then concentrated on trying to aid the Maquis from within Starfleet, any way she could find, actions that would have her instantly discharged and court-martialled if Starfleet ever found out.

The things she had done to ensure any record of their connection disappeared, as well as the strings she had pulled to get this mission.

The reason why she wanted it in the first place.

_I can. I have to._

She could tell him it all, tell him everything.

But she doesn’t. 

Her only goal had been to make sure he was safe - this was only ever meant to be a rescue mission. She knew there was nothing to salvage, she wasn’t seeking redemption or forgiveness. But she could never have foreseen that they would end up here, trapped together, 70,000 light years from home, a twist of fate depositing her right in the middle of her greatest desire. And her darkest nightmare.

And now he is safe, or as safe as she can make him anyway, her priorities have to be refocused.

So she doesn’t tell him.

She doesn’t tell him, because she has to put Voyager first, and she knows she can’t do it alone.

“No, Chakotay, I know we can’t go back. I’m not asking for forgiveness. But we are all stranded here, and it's my responsibility to get everyone home.” 

She doesn’t tell him, because the truth is less believable than the conclusion he has drawn, and his trust is too broken for her to convince him otherwise. 

“There is no one I trust more than you, no one more capable. I want our crews to merge, I want us all to get home together. We have a responsibility to keep them safe. I don’t want to turn away the way Starfleet did. The way I did before.”

She doesn’t tell him, because the only way to try to regain any semblance of his trust is to plead guilty to his charges, and let him see her repentance as she gives everything of herself to protect those under her charge.

“I need your help. And I know how that sounds, considering I turned from you when you needed me. I’ve made choices before that betrayed you, betrayed who I was, and I don’t want to be that person anymore. Believe me, there is nothing more important to me than getting _our_ people home. Please, help me do the right thing this time.” 

His lips are tight, because he knows she is right, that agreeing is in the best interest of both crews. But the anger still blazes in his eyes. 

“No one has any idea we know each other. You’re Maquis, and I’m the Captain Starfleet sent to capture you, so no one will think worse of you for not trusting me. You don’t have to be my friend; you don’t have to like me. You just need to be the first officer this ship needs, be someone who can make that connection between our two crews. Because we both know there's not a chance in hell any of the Maquis will want to come to me with their issues. I know what they think of me, and I can live with that, as long as between us, we can ensure everyone’s needs are met. There doesn't have to be any more to it than that.”

As he reluctantly nods, she feels a flood of relief for Voyager, even as her heart weeps in desperation. Seven years erased for the sake of the next seventy. He snatches the Starfleet uniform she is holding from her extended fingers, and leaves without a single word, though she still hears his voice as clearly as if he had spoken. 

_‘The Kathryn I thought I knew would never be silenced.’_

As much as she understands the justification for his fury, it never stops hurting to remember how willing he had been to believe that she had forsaken her principles, had let Starfleet silence her. She had never given up, never bowed down to the increasing pressure they had exerted. She had firmly believed, as he once had, that her voice would always be heard, that she would always speak out. And it had meant nothing. 

She won’t admit it to herself, but above all else, she doesn't tell him because she had already convinced herself that he would never forgive her, long before she set this mission in her sights. And for all her courage and determination, she can’t open her heart up to the finality of his rejection, to face his scorn and distrust as she bares the truth to him.

All her life, she has grounded herself in fact, sought and spoken the truth first and foremost. But just this once, she’d rather pretend, pretend there was never anything more between them, and take what was left. Because although he’s already lost to her, she can’t bear trying to forget him a single minute longer.

And so, for all the things she wants to say, she finally allows herself to be silenced.

Because that’s the only thing he still needs from her.

***

If you want to play it like a game  
Well, come on, come on, let's play  
'Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending  
Than have to forget you for one whole minute

They taped over your mouth  
Scribbled out the truth with their lies

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: Star Trek: Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount Pictures/CBS; no infringement of copyright is intended.


End file.
